Sunday, 31 May 2009

all my blogs are just filled with crap at the moment

My eyes are puffy, dan said you can get fat eyes from eating to much cheese...
...i don't eat that much cheese.

my mum hasn't replied to the last email i sent her, whether this is because she hasn't had time or just doesn't want to... my little sister told me shes giving me money for my birthday, she always tells me what I'm going to get.

its my other sister, kizzie's birthday today. shes now 9, I'm exactly ten years older than her.give or take 5 days.

I'm going to be 19 on Thursday, i have to get up early to go to the job center.and I'm pretty sure my dad wanted me to vote, but i don't think i will. if people vote because of morals,because they believe in what the party stand for then good for them. but Ive never been that interested in politics. so i don't think it would be right for me to just vote for someone that everyone else is, maybe ill take a stronger interest from now on. then when the next election comes up,ill be better informed. its not like i don't care, Ive just never really been given the information. i suppose that makes me a little naive.

camp was fun, i only went for three days. but it was really hot the first day, i have two little diamonds on my back from where i got sun burnt.
we walked to morton hampstead the second day; me,afra,jemima,sylvia and carly. jem made me laugh, she gave me a funny look and said, ''I'll catch you up i need to take a crap.'' and did...I'm not sure how she got away with it, its not like it was very private. but when she caught up with us, she got really sick and nearly threw up....made me think maybe something bit her bum.
lesson, don't take a crap on the side of a country road.
my sister kate, ( Friend of the family but I've always called her my sister) was pregnant. i we were all told that she would have her babies by august, she was told she was having twin girls. then on the day i was leaving, it was tipping down with rain. so i camped out in the welcome tent, romila came in and said. ''kate just had twin boys.''
so now she has to find new names for them, i cant wait to see them. they were each two pounds something. but perfectly fine. my friend sylvia was born about that, three months early. and shes one of the smartest people i know.

still no luck with the job hunt =-(

Thursday, 21 May 2009

im brilliant

Grass, is like facebook for dogs.

Dan thought that was the funniest thing I've ever said.

emailed my mum something i think might come back a little hard, oh well.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

blaaaaa

memories you don't want to see,
images all left by me,
beating hearts and streaming eyes,
what we have cant be disguised,
at least i know which were the lies,
fly away,little butterfly...

i took my snake bites out

Dan was impressed by how he could touch my face without it hurting, i just thought they were starting to look silly.
i love waking up when its raining, and your not quite awake. so your lying there,lovely and warm, and you're thinking. ''I'm nice and warm,people outside wont be, I'm so much better than them right now.'' ...that's what happened when i woke up, and the cuddles were nice as well. =-)

i get to do that next week in a tent, apart from the cuddles. waking up with the rain making lovely sounds, if that's odd i don't care. I'm actually looking forward to it. i was offered a lift up on Thursday, but even if i wanted to go that early i couldn't. i have to be at the job center on Friday morning...that wont be fun if i walk that from Dans. =-/

i still need wellies.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

not a nice blog really

last night was very hard, i cant remember the last time i felt more alone,or wanting something so much.
how are you meant to let go of something you love,even if its bad for you? if you love then surely its worth fighting for? i keep telling myself its not because otherwise i start crying again, im not being mellowdramtic, i dont have a diary,this is easier.
i drempt about crystal again last night, its really starting to do my head in. i was at her house. she gave me some m.d, it was black...=-/
she talked to me, but didnt want to be my freind.
then i went down to alex's house, and he wouldnt let me in.
doesnt take a guiniuse to figure out my dreams really, i wont talk about the worst one. shadows arent exactly nice.

i want this feeling to go away now, all these distractions arnt working. and id just like it to stop please.

its raining, if i didnt have to go out in it id like it, but i have to go see matt...and try to talk to him..which is hard and easy at the same time. because he will make me laugh, but he cant relate to what im going through.

i was going to put my tent up today aswell. fucking wanky shit cunt.

still cant pick up my guitar.

Saturday, 16 May 2009

camp

this time next week, i might very well be on my beloved field.
surrounded by people who love me,singing, and possibly getting high.
i cannot wait, to just get out of this mess. the whole mess in my head is driving me crazy. and little head games played by people don't help. childish and hypocritical. i mean it, stop. because you were the one who ended this, and for good reason. its not like Ive done anything wrong, so don't you dare make me feel like i have.

camp is one of the places i feel safe, but after Monday I'm hoping to get some help from whatever this is. be it anaemia, or the thing she mentioned about my thyroid gland. whatever, it'l fix it. then ill be able to enjoy camp to the full potential. i have a really strong feeling something good is going to happen.I'm not sure what it involves, but something better change.

ive been talking to Jemima a lot lately, shes 14 now. i met her at camp when she must have been about 9.she wants me to get her booze for camp,and i felt really odd saying no. not that i dont want her to have fun,but her mum would kill me.

my dads back is still really bad,he cant move. im really worried he wont be able to come to camp.

i cant wait to sit in the middle of the field, with my guitar. ..which ive not been able to play for a while,but i think il be able to at camp. and just let go. of so many things.

when i went to see my family in wales, they were such a massive help. they sat me down and let me talk about stuff,stuff i dont really like talking about.and it helped, i slept really fucking well.and they said that maybe it would help to write it down, and day it out loud in a safe place,then tear it up? that way id let it go...im not sure if that would work,as im not sure how to actually let go.
does it involve just thinking it, or do i have to stop myself from ever thinking about it again.
because ive tried that, putting a wall up, and not thinking about it.but as that proved the other night, it doesn't work...i just got really angry.
so how? because i dont know, i suppose it involves some kind of closure. and some clarity, having questions answered that you were afraid to ask before, so that you know exactly what happened all the way through whatever it was that you went through.
the thing is, the 4 things i need to do this for are really hard to do that with.
my mum is the hardest, how am i meant to ask her things? would it change how i felt about her? how do i actually feel about her? how the fuck am i meant to get closure on someone who ran away from me?
and dan, ive no idea how to approach that. it makes me really sad, because i really miss him.i miss his silly side the most. and when he smelled like tea. =-/
if he does have a girlfriend, then i hope he can be happy. i really do, i really want him to be happy. just don't expect me to like the idea of it.
crystal isnt impossible to approach, i think it just needs time.im not giving up on her. but im not putting my life at any sort of hold to help her. if she wants help ill gladly give it to her.id do anything, but if she doesn't even want to talk to me yet, im not going to force her....yet.=-)

i have to put my tent up in the garden tomorrow, to see if it actually works. jon said hed help me, i just hope it doesn't rain.
my tattoo has nearly stopped scabbing aswell. =-)

Friday, 15 May 2009

song.crash and burn.

tummble down im in charge,
im always going to win,
sainty will tumble to,
as love, my love,gives in,
its not a case of kiss and tell,
its a case of crush and hide,
i will spend my whole life running with someone by my side.

crash and burn.

rosey lips and happy nights,
turned so fast to city lights,
we eat the moon and stole the moment,
i stole to much,
i didnt notice,
my star shone bright by my star shone alone,
fairies cant fly that high,
i didnt reach to catch her,
though god knows i tried.

crash and burn.

fire burns and air will taunt,
the fire willkeep growing,
and even though the air wont stick,
the fire keeps on going,
i fueled it up then blew it out,
but the strength it had was able,
to concour it to concour all,
that warrior my angle.

crash and burn.

secrets keep as secrets will,
eating those who keep them,
you cant have love when secrets bur,
love wiill always find them,
be it small or be it big,
it counts so much as pain,
nothing more, nothing less,
youve got nothing to gain.

crash and burn.

am i allowed to care?

i have no idea, but i do.because i just punched the wall.

i hope your fucking happy.
i really hope your fucking happy.

because im really really fucking not.

freinds and shit

basically, i might have a bit of a rant here.because im a little pissed off.
with crystal, not directly at her...more so of the fact she WONT TALK TO ME. i mean shes been online i know she has. shes changed her my space crap three times this week. ive sent her 8! messages this week...nothing,nadda...had the most vivid dream we made up last night..woke up and felt such a heavy weight fall back on me....
and then simon, who doesn't want to hang around with me anymore...great...fine...fuck you. ive been really nice when others haven't, and you just can be bothered with me.
me and jon nearly sort of fell out, but didn't. which im thankful for,because hes been so amazingly wonderful to me.

recent events have led me to think about how much i really need to stay in exeter, how much i want to...or could i move if i wanted to? fresh start.
where though?not Glastonbury like i could have a few months back...fucked that up for good didn't i. the three people who im really close to in glastonbury...well. alex...just no, were not going to even attempt to touch that.ryon...has disappeared?? no idea where he is. and crystal...well...yeah.

the only thing that is really keeping my sain right now is the thought of camp...this time next week....eeeee!!! =)
but after camp, i'll still be fucked.
i need something,anything. to just pick me up...just a tiny bit of luck, a bar job? anything?? just so i can live for fuck sake. we don't have a cooker,washing machine or a microwave...if i had a job i would gladly pay to get them...im trying so hard,yet nothing seems to be working my way.
makes me think that maybe, just maybe. im not meant to do anything yet? maybe im waiting for something? if thats so fair enough,just let me wait whilst working?? maybe im just meant to learne how to live like this....i hate it.
my dad did his back in at the beginning of the week, so hes not been to work at all. which means less money coming in, a lot less money.

i dont know what to do, im nearly at breaking point.
and then, i have to deal with the fact that when i try to sleep, it feels like i have an invisible hand around my neck...i stopped breathing for a spilt second the other night. it freaked the fuck out of me. i had my blood test on wednesday. and i need to ring on monday to get results. im hoping so much that they can give me something to help. what im feeling isnt normal, and ive been feeling it for so long now.

there we go, i feel better. no tlike anyone reads this anyway.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

my little sister

i have three sisters, all younger than me. Kizzie who is nearly 9, Biridie who is 13, and meghan who is nearly 16.
Bridie lives in France with my mum,step dad and little brother. i don't see her very much, but we talk a lot. ive just spoken to her on msn, and she told me that she had gotton drunk on jack Daniels and cheated on her boyfriend. first time getting drunk, then she went on to tell me that shed been dared to make herself throw up....i was thinking about how much i wanted to hit the person who let her get this drunk and do that...she 13 for god sake. i wasn't getting drunk until at least 14....but it seems that my other sister meghan is growing up as well, i might have mentioned this in another blog. but the last time i met up with her, one of the first things she told me was about how she had taken something a lot stronger than weed...and gotton laid...so yeah, im feeling a bit odd. i don't see them very much, and when i do them seem to have shot up ahead of their years.
bridie is already taller than me, and slimmer...meghan has been, and always will be tiny.sorry meg haha.
and kizzie isn't exactly an innocent thing, when i took meg back to her mum. she was there, and proceeded to tell me about how ''mummy was a lesbian she was looking at that ladies bum!''

i don't even want to think about what my little brother will be like....

Saturday, 9 May 2009

hangovers

i went to a party last night, with jon, it was daves birthday. we drove to bristol,whcih was fun by itself. singing journey, car dancing, wrapping a kids drum set that jon got dave.
got there, knew three people. had two bottles of wine, played drinking games. was quite fun, untill someone said ''lets go to the club.''
i have three quid, and im pretty waisted. forget to pick up my phone, and jon dissapeared.
im not the best drunk person, so i should have just stayed where i was.
ended up at this club, no idea how. wine makes everything hazy, i should stick to kids booze.
get there, loose everyone. matt (who id met that night) found me. stayed with me, i swear to god i was so drunk i could hardly stand.
walk all around brizzle, can hardly see. on matts arm, for all i know he could have been a rapist. but my luck is always strong for some reason. got me to daves dorm, knowone in. they're all still at the club.cant ring them, no phone.silly twat.
we snuck in behind someone, waited by the lifts for someone.eventually they turn up.no idea where jon is. i wake up...12 the next day. in a right state.bruses everywhere. mouth of utter shitpit. realised id been smoking, and my head was spinning i nearly threw up.
this is the kind of thing i love doing, at least i used to.
im seriously thinking about stoping drinking for a while, at least untill i can get my health up.
the blood test im booked for on wed ispretty pointless, i know imaneamic.runs in my family,and i have 90% of the symptoms.
its scary,but at least i know what it is now. its been all ive been able to think about for a really long time.
i hoping when its under controll then il be able to do concerntrate on what i really need to.

im not sure if i want to go to college now, i have a conditional offer. but to be honest, even if i did the work well enougth. and got the student loan, and got a part time job aswell as going to college to pay for everything...aswell as finding a flat...i still dont really want to be in exeter anymore.

im sad.

Friday, 8 May 2009

needles

im up quite early, because i have to go to the doctors...again. but this time i have to actualy go to do something, rather than just go to try and explain whats wrong. im getting a blood test to check if im anemic...well booking one anyway, i doubt she can do it the same day.
i used to absolutly hate them, i would scream the hospital down before they got the needle in me. i, not so bad now, and considering i had a tattoo on my write yesterday...i dont really have the right to complain.
Photobucket

its pretty i love it, laura came with me and chatted the whole way through. the guy doing it was really sweet. called me flower, offered me some sweet because i said i was dizzy...couldnt be bothered to explain that im always dizzy, regardless of the needle being ran accross my skin.

is it bad to hope that i am anemic? i mean i wouldnt be able to change it if i were, id be able to get myself bettter...but right now i have no choice in the matter.i either am or im not. and if i am, i ca fix me. im so fed up with the way im feeling.
yesterday i nearly through up for no reaosn what so ever, one second i was fine, the next i felt so bizzare. it was horrible. i truley hate whatever is wrong with me, and if it surpressed stress...then im really not going to let my family live it down. if thats harsh shoot me. im not putting up with this anymore.