Friday, 24 April 2009

crystal

i have a Friend called crystal, she wont talk to me anymore.
this girl is the reason i am who i am today, and Ive never told her that. Shes amazing, shes strong and funny, shes kind and absolutely gorgeous.
i love her very much.
she wont talk to me because i spent to much time with a person she didn't like, and this person also had a great influence in who I've become. sounds silly to say that when I'm only 18, I'm sure there will be a lot more people to come along and change me. but i think crystal was so influential, because it happened when i was so innocent. i met her when i was 13, at a camp i still go to.she was; the reason i had my first kiss, the first girl i had a crush one, the reason i got drunk for the first time, the reason i got high for the first time, the reason i got laid for the first time, the reason i never freaked out about things. because she always knew what to say to make me feel calm again.
I've got a whole play list of songs that remind me of her, and so many smells. rose and vanilla are the worst.
shes not talking to me, I've written her a letter. I've sent her so many emails,texts, missed calls...she posted a bulletin on my space saying shes lost her phone...i gave her that phone...
the worst part of this is, that I've never fallen out with a Friend before. boys sure, but this is different.
she was my best Friend, even though i hardly saw her. we were always connected in a way that made me know whatever happened we still be OK... i shouldn't be surprised i fucked it up then i suppose.
but I'm really worried about her now, she comes across as strong. and in a lot of ways she really is.
but i know shes doing things that will change her to the point that she'll need a different kind of strength. and i would have given it to her, if shed let me. i realise now that there had been a point just before we broke up, where i could have said, right OK, this stops, were going to make things better now, ill help you. that's all she needed,
but i was high,and selfish. and just wanted to see my other Friend. in my defence i hadn't seen him properly in over a year. and like i said the part he played in my life used to be quite big, so i missed him.
i don't know what to do, i know she needs help. but i can give it to her.

Thursday, 16 April 2009

dreams

last night i dreamt that i shouted at alex, i dreamt i ran out of the building we were in, and ran up the road to fine jess also running. i caught up with her, and felt really really sad.
and we sat for a while until alex caught up with me, he said things change and i couldn't stop that.

i as lo dreamt i was in a building with elaine, it was very tall and we were stuck because so much water was rising below us.
i was trying to hard to ring dan, but the phone was engaged....

then i dreamt i was at camp, just sat in the middle of the field. i could see everyone around me, but i couldn't talk. they couldn't hear me.

but at least I'm not panicking now.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

love

Everyone has thier own opinions of love. And the reason im going to try and write this, is because im going to try and get the thoughts in my head down.
ive only ever been in love once, im still in love with him. i have been for a year and a half.
but along the way ive done many things to make it seem like i dont, it never meant that i didnt.
im not using this realisation as an exuse, but through a lot of thinking about people who have loved me i did come to some thoughts.

ive been in a relationship non stop since i was 15, and every one of these boys said they were in love with me. obviously they wernt, because if they did then the petty arguments that arose wouldnt have broken us up.petty things that i always started, i always tried to sabotash things. i never meant to. but i can see the patterns that i formed, being trapped made me want to run away, so i did. i lied about things that i thought they wouldnt like, but half the time it didnt matter. a habbit which im still trying to kick, and i know makes it hard to trust me.
and none of this seemed to really matter, i went about doing it not giving a shit. because i always thought i would get away with it....i was such a stupid niave little brat.

and i know this now, it took me a really long time to learne from my mistakes.
but i came to think this, i wanted to be loved so much that i took anything that came.i wanted to be loved because i felt such a lack of it anywhere else in my life. i knew my dad loved me, but i couldnt cuddle him, it was a little to akward.i knew my family loved me, but i wasnt getting any phisical or verbal love. i think thats why im so fucking cuddly now, making up for the ones i didnt get from my mum maybe, when i really fucking needed them.

i never took care of peoples feelings, i felt like my mum hadnt taken care of my feelings.
i always got paranoid that people didnt beleive me about the most simple of things...i wont spell out the link...is this a conincidnce, or is it actualy relevant?
id like to say it is, just to give myself a little comfort that im not fucked up, that its not totally my fault that i was such a bitch to so many. i know i have a lot of responsibility on my part, but myabe if things had gone different id have different views on love.
if i was a stronger person a lot of things would be different right now, i think im dragging myself down. i wont let myself get stuck because i know im stronger than that.
but i felt the need to write this.
and when i get low like this, i never do write it down.


things always change, and things you think were so big seem so small after time.
i know this im a cat.

Friday, 3 April 2009

the lady with the funny cardie

i went to see my counsellor the other day, and i found it very helpefull. we talk about all the reasons i might be getting so anxious, and i didnt realise how much i was stressed by things without noticing.
evidently im good at repressing stuff i dont like untill it catches up with me so bad it hurts, great. its not like i do it on purpous, she explained that some people have it as a default reflex. different people deal with their problems in different ways, and this is how i deal with mine. and its come from many years of not realising i was doing it.
i see it like this, something really bad happened when i was little. i didnt want to think about it, my didnt voice that in my head conciously. so my body went into stress over ride to deal with it. hence me getting arthritus. when the worst of that period was over i got better, and i just accepted everything that was happeneing next.
me mooving in with my nan and my dad in abbergaveny, it wasnt hard because i loved them both so much, and they really helped me through it all.
i suppose its easier for younger childeren to cope with change, but i never really accepted the fact that i wouldnt go back to living with my mum. and i should have, maybe it would have made it easier.
my life with my nan and my dad was peacfull, and very innocent.
then me and my dad moved to exeter, and again i just accepted the fact that i was doing this.
if i think about it now, i dont understand why i wasnt more upset. i didnt think about my mum at all, i didnt miss her. i was so swept up in all the rush of everything. i mean i was 12 years old, in a new city about to go to a new high school. at that age you can see the priorities. it makes me feel bad i didnt miss her more.
but then i cant helpwhat happened, and i cant help how i feel. some people think its odd that i dont feel more negitive toward her, i could never hate her. i can see her side of the story to much.
(if you havnt already grasped the fact im not going to say what happened, then this would be the time.)
but living in exeter was also really lovely, me and my dad got on really well. and i loved school, even if i did have the few normal worries. i always had freinds, and usualy untill the age of 14 my main worry was getting a new cover for my phone.
i think i should have see more counsollers, i really think i should have made myself talk about everything.because whenever i did think about any of it, id start shaking.
the first night i had a panic attack was terrible, i had a terrifying feelingin my chest. my heart went mental, and i thought i was going to stop breathing.
dad took me to a and e...they didnt really do anything. and my doctor still hasnt really gotton to the bottom of it.
she perscribed my anti depressanst, saying that if i washappy i wouldnt panic, if i dont panic i can focus on what i need to untill im strong enougth to do it alone....i dont know how much i like that. i havnt taken any yet.
but going back to what my counsoller said, she told me that i had alot of loose ends. and maybe if i wrote them all down and then tied them up one by one, id stop feeling all this panic.
in my head i can an image of a doll with all these threads freying around her, then me comming over with some cotton. sewing myself up would make me more whole.
the frist thing on my list is my mum, ive already set the ball rolling by asking my aunt to talk to her about it. its just a case of waiting to hear back from her....which is nearve racking, my mind is totally fixed on it.
i dont even know if it will help anything.