Monday, 15 June 2009

still twitchy

im still very panicky.

i had the most awe full dream last night, i dreamt i was sent to a concentration camp. with my little sister bridie, i think dan was there for a little bit, but he disappeared. and it was really odd at first, they let us have our stuff,and we were in india....and we had beds...then things started to get worse, i had my phone at one point,texting dan. saying i loved him and i wanted to know where he was.
then someone screamed, ive never heard anyone scream like that in real life.i was so fucking scared, and they told me my bag had fallen, it had all my stuff in. and all i could think was. dan doesn't know where i am.

then i woke up and tried to think happy things, but i was to sleepy. fell back asleep and it carried on. we were trying to wash our hair, and afra was there, i tried to bring shampoo, and afra said dont bother the water already had soap in it. and i watched as she pulled chunks of her hair out.
then i was sat in a room with bridie and a little boy, and it really disturbed me that it looked like the room i had in my nans house.and outside we could see theese gates,really far away, but really terrifying. they were about 100 feet tall, with all sotrs of wire and mesh coming off them.

planes were flying over, and the little boy said ''duck theres a man.'' and a man went by on a horse,he looked Indian. and started shooting at us through the window.a was shaking, i didnt know it was a dream. and then someone screamed, and all these bombs started to go off. i could see the grenades being thrown. and i heard bridie scream, i couldn't find her. there was to much going on. i was going into hysterics, and the one lady who had been our guard said.''get to medicine pills not one.'' and in my head in the dream i said ''i later found out that this was poison intent on killing me,the guards didn't want to have to try and save anyone.''
as if it was a film, and as if id gotten out.

then i woke up properly, and im still shaking.

Sunday, 14 June 2009

little things

Friday was a bad day, two panic attacks.and as a result im finding it hard to swallow things.
its pretty fucking scary, made me appreciate how easily little things like this can be taken for granted.
like getting to sleep, or breathing. or being able to hug someone without thinking about how stuffy you are.

i know im stressed, i know what made me panic.its just hard when people think im exagerating, or playing for attention. half the time i dont let on how bad i feel.

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

sad face

last night i had yet another awe full dream, i was in my room with crystal. and she was just sat there and wouldn't talk to me, i kept poking her and every time i did a feather fell off of her.
i tried to tell her she needed to talk to me, loosing feathers want healthy.
and after a while her skin started going mouldy, it was really fucking scary. then my sister meghan was there, trying to get me to come out of the room. she was hungry and wanted pizza.
i kept shouting at her to get a doctor because crystal was loosing all her feathers, and meg kept saying it was her fault, if she didn't want pizza she shouldn't have come to this house.

then everything was black, i keep getting this dream. where shadows follow me, i cant see anything, i try to open my eyes and it doesn't work. shes screaming, and im terrified that shes melted completely. but i cant move, and all the shadows are moving around me really fast.

then i open my eyes and im standing with lots of People i know, and they're all dressed in black, walking away from me.

then i actually woke up, and started crying.
fuck sake.

Saturday, 6 June 2009


on Thursday i was 19, i had to get up really early to go to the job center. so i set my alarm for 7.30...but i was to excited to sleep, and when i finallydid i kept waking up.
dan got up with me,went downstairs to see his mum and do prezzies. there was a little note hanging from the fan saying 'pull me'' i did, and about three tones of glitter flew wasn't the effect dan had been hoping for. there is still glitter all over the house, because he used another three tones on everything else...its a good thing i love glitter,and it was pink.
i got some lovely prezzies,and loads of money. then dan and i went to the zoo, which was really fun. though i think the peacocks at the place have got some serious identity issues...
we went out in the evening, lots of lovely people. and my best Friend laura thought it was a good idea to add more glitter to the equation, she'd made me balloons with glitter inside them.
and some little cakes, which i put sparklers in as my birthday cake.


i managed to fall down the stairs,even though i want that drunk. i just had enormous shoes on.
dan however did get very drunk, and threw up a lot when we got then it was past midnight so it wasn't my birthday. not that i really minded.

im feeling being 19 more than i felt being 18.

Tuesday, 2 June 2009


last night, dan and i got home about midnight. he asked me to go make the room cooler, because it has been wonderfully hot these last few days. ( i hope it keeps up for my birthday.)
get upstairs,open window one. and i look down to see the massive thing buzzing at me, obviously i screamed and ran out of the room. i didn't check to see what it was, I'm shit, anything that big that buzzes and i feel sick because I'm so scared...sting or not.
dan come up tells me its a horse fly, I'm hiding in the bath room. ''oh wait, its not a horse fly its a hornet.'' ....i swear to god i could have easily stayed in the bath room all night, and dan is allergic to the fucking things.
he does the brave thing of trying to kill it...because by this point it had moved from the window sill. we managed to break the light...i don't think its permanently broken...but it doesn't work at the the end,after much bravery from dan...and much more hiding from me, he kills it...i couldn't even hoover it up afterward, it was really big.
so we didn't get to sleep until about 3am.

point; dan is a lot braver than me.