camp

this time next week, i might very well be on my beloved field.
surrounded by people who love me,singing, and possibly getting high.
i cannot wait, to just get out of this mess. the whole mess in my head is driving me crazy. and little head games played by people don't help. childish and hypocritical. i mean it, stop. because you were the one who ended this, and for good reason. its not like Ive done anything wrong, so don't you dare make me feel like i have.

camp is one of the places i feel safe, but after Monday I'm hoping to get some help from whatever this is. be it anaemia, or the thing she mentioned about my thyroid gland. whatever, it'l fix it. then ill be able to enjoy camp to the full potential. i have a really strong feeling something good is going to happen.I'm not sure what it involves, but something better change.

ive been talking to Jemima a lot lately, shes 14 now. i met her at camp when she must have been about 9.she wants me to get her booze for camp,and i felt really odd saying no. not that i dont want her to have fun,but her mum would kill me.

my dads back is still really bad,he cant move. im really worried he wont be able to come to camp.

i cant wait to sit in the middle of the field, with my guitar. ..which ive not been able to play for a while,but i think il be able to at camp. and just let go. of so many things.

when i went to see my family in wales, they were such a massive help. they sat me down and let me talk about stuff,stuff i dont really like talking about.and it helped, i slept really fucking well.and they said that maybe it would help to write it down, and day it out loud in a safe place,then tear it up? that way id let it go...im not sure if that would work,as im not sure how to actually let go.
does it involve just thinking it, or do i have to stop myself from ever thinking about it again.
because ive tried that, putting a wall up, and not thinking about it.but as that proved the other night, it doesn't work...i just got really angry.
so how? because i dont know, i suppose it involves some kind of closure. and some clarity, having questions answered that you were afraid to ask before, so that you know exactly what happened all the way through whatever it was that you went through.
the thing is, the 4 things i need to do this for are really hard to do that with.
my mum is the hardest, how am i meant to ask her things? would it change how i felt about her? how do i actually feel about her? how the fuck am i meant to get closure on someone who ran away from me?
and dan, ive no idea how to approach that. it makes me really sad, because i really miss him.i miss his silly side the most. and when he smelled like tea. =-/
if he does have a girlfriend, then i hope he can be happy. i really do, i really want him to be happy. just don't expect me to like the idea of it.
crystal isnt impossible to approach, i think it just needs time.im not giving up on her. but im not putting my life at any sort of hold to help her. if she wants help ill gladly give it to her.id do anything, but if she doesn't even want to talk to me yet, im not going to force her....yet.=-)

i have to put my tent up in the garden tomorrow, to see if it actually works. jon said hed help me, i just hope it doesn't rain.
my tattoo has nearly stopped scabbing aswell. =-)