the lady with the funny cardie

i went to see my counsellor the other day, and i found it very helpefull. we talk about all the reasons i might be getting so anxious, and i didnt realise how much i was stressed by things without noticing.
evidently im good at repressing stuff i dont like untill it catches up with me so bad it hurts, great. its not like i do it on purpous, she explained that some people have it as a default reflex. different people deal with their problems in different ways, and this is how i deal with mine. and its come from many years of not realising i was doing it.
i see it like this, something really bad happened when i was little. i didnt want to think about it, my didnt voice that in my head conciously. so my body went into stress over ride to deal with it. hence me getting arthritus. when the worst of that period was over i got better, and i just accepted everything that was happeneing next.
me mooving in with my nan and my dad in abbergaveny, it wasnt hard because i loved them both so much, and they really helped me through it all.
i suppose its easier for younger childeren to cope with change, but i never really accepted the fact that i wouldnt go back to living with my mum. and i should have, maybe it would have made it easier.
my life with my nan and my dad was peacfull, and very innocent.
then me and my dad moved to exeter, and again i just accepted the fact that i was doing this.
if i think about it now, i dont understand why i wasnt more upset. i didnt think about my mum at all, i didnt miss her. i was so swept up in all the rush of everything. i mean i was 12 years old, in a new city about to go to a new high school. at that age you can see the priorities. it makes me feel bad i didnt miss her more.
but then i cant helpwhat happened, and i cant help how i feel. some people think its odd that i dont feel more negitive toward her, i could never hate her. i can see her side of the story to much.
(if you havnt already grasped the fact im not going to say what happened, then this would be the time.)
but living in exeter was also really lovely, me and my dad got on really well. and i loved school, even if i did have the few normal worries. i always had freinds, and usualy untill the age of 14 my main worry was getting a new cover for my phone.
i think i should have see more counsollers, i really think i should have made myself talk about everything.because whenever i did think about any of it, id start shaking.
the first night i had a panic attack was terrible, i had a terrifying feelingin my chest. my heart went mental, and i thought i was going to stop breathing.
dad took me to a and e...they didnt really do anything. and my doctor still hasnt really gotton to the bottom of it.
she perscribed my anti depressanst, saying that if i washappy i wouldnt panic, if i dont panic i can focus on what i need to untill im strong enougth to do it alone....i dont know how much i like that. i havnt taken any yet.
but going back to what my counsoller said, she told me that i had alot of loose ends. and maybe if i wrote them all down and then tied them up one by one, id stop feeling all this panic.
in my head i can an image of a doll with all these threads freying around her, then me comming over with some cotton. sewing myself up would make me more whole.
the frist thing on my list is my mum, ive already set the ball rolling by asking my aunt to talk to her about it. its just a case of waiting to hear back from her....which is nearve racking, my mind is totally fixed on it.
i dont even know if it will help anything.