Friday, 17 July 2009

new things happy things and two songs

so i got a job =-)
im a charity fundraiser, i start on Tuesday.im so fucking excited, my whole team ear amazing and lovely. i made some lush freinds today.
so thats all happy, and i have a new boyfriend, his name is dani oddly enouth. but with an 'i', and im so fricking happy.
i guess its worth being really unhappy, because when you actually realise 'oh wait,shit im happy.' its so much better. im fully appreciating all the good luck and love comming my way.
hes so pretty as well, living in exmouth is a bit of a bitch. also my dads being a bit odd about sleep overs...but ill move out soon so i'tl be fine =-).

so yeah happy happy.

im going to share two songs i wrote, one about a month ago.one yesterday, notice the difference.
ok so a month ago, this is called casualty.

change the music,
i cant stand this anymore,
and ive gone and lost it,
like so many times before,
and you dont get it,
how yo make it worse and so much more,
easier to fall.

tell me,
is this all that you see,
cos believe me im not happy,
i cant see how you could be.

dizzy,half the time and crazy,
feeling like ive lost my mind,
but im not the kind,
to let it all wash over me,
and when i fall,
i dont let it show,
and that doesnt help me at all.

tell me,
arnt things meant to get easy,
im waiting for you to see,
your not the only casualty.

baby,its not like its healthy,
and i know its not,
all your fault,
but you have to go half way with me,
otherwise,
our lives,
and all the lies,
are gona get the bets of me.


and this one hasnt got a name yet.

dont put up a fight,
love at first sight is alright,
if the other person falls first,
oh and wouldnt you know,
things that you dont think you show,
can make or break a moment like this.

take it easy,
its not like we havnt got forever,
take what you need,
im feeling good enouth to give it up this time.

only i would know,
all the pain that i dont show,
is barley more than underneath my skin,
oh to let it go,
to be that happy,
and let it show,
heres my key ill gladly let you in.

(c)

logic rips right through my mind,
second guessing,
waisting time,
when all i really want is here and now,
lady luck has smiled at me,
and i can see its not for free,
so ill keep smiling,
keep it up this time,

feeling like ive lost my mind,
never been a better time.


-is happy-

Monday, 15 June 2009

still twitchy

im still very panicky.

i had the most awe full dream last night, i dreamt i was sent to a concentration camp. with my little sister bridie, i think dan was there for a little bit, but he disappeared. and it was really odd at first, they let us have our stuff,and we were in india....and we had beds...then things started to get worse, i had my phone at one point,texting dan. saying i loved him and i wanted to know where he was.
then someone screamed, ive never heard anyone scream like that in real life.i was so fucking scared, and they told me my bag had fallen, it had all my stuff in. and all i could think was. dan doesn't know where i am.

then i woke up and tried to think happy things, but i was to sleepy. fell back asleep and it carried on. we were trying to wash our hair, and afra was there, i tried to bring shampoo, and afra said dont bother the water already had soap in it. and i watched as she pulled chunks of her hair out.
then i was sat in a room with bridie and a little boy, and it really disturbed me that it looked like the room i had in my nans house.and outside we could see theese gates,really far away, but really terrifying. they were about 100 feet tall, with all sotrs of wire and mesh coming off them.

planes were flying over, and the little boy said ''duck theres a man.'' and a man went by on a horse,he looked Indian. and started shooting at us through the window.a was shaking, i didnt know it was a dream. and then someone screamed, and all these bombs started to go off. i could see the grenades being thrown. and i heard bridie scream, i couldn't find her. there was to much going on. i was going into hysterics, and the one lady who had been our guard said.''get to medicine pills not one.'' and in my head in the dream i said ''i later found out that this was poison intent on killing me,the guards didn't want to have to try and save anyone.''
as if it was a film, and as if id gotten out.

then i woke up properly, and im still shaking.

Sunday, 14 June 2009

little things

Friday was a bad day, two panic attacks.and as a result im finding it hard to swallow things.
its pretty fucking scary, made me appreciate how easily little things like this can be taken for granted.
like getting to sleep, or breathing. or being able to hug someone without thinking about how stuffy you are.

i know im stressed, i know what made me panic.its just hard when people think im exagerating, or playing for attention. half the time i dont let on how bad i feel.

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

sad face

last night i had yet another awe full dream, i was in my room with crystal. and she was just sat there and wouldn't talk to me, i kept poking her and every time i did a feather fell off of her.
i tried to tell her she needed to talk to me, loosing feathers want healthy.
and after a while her skin started going mouldy, it was really fucking scary. then my sister meghan was there, trying to get me to come out of the room. she was hungry and wanted pizza.
i kept shouting at her to get a doctor because crystal was loosing all her feathers, and meg kept saying it was her fault, if she didn't want pizza she shouldn't have come to this house.

then everything was black, i keep getting this dream. where shadows follow me, i cant see anything, i try to open my eyes and it doesn't work. shes screaming, and im terrified that shes melted completely. but i cant move, and all the shadows are moving around me really fast.

then i open my eyes and im standing with lots of People i know, and they're all dressed in black, walking away from me.

then i actually woke up, and started crying.
fuck sake.

Saturday, 6 June 2009

birthday

on Thursday i was 19, i had to get up really early to go to the job center. so i set my alarm for 7.30...but i was to excited to sleep, and when i finallydid i kept waking up.
dan got up with me,went downstairs to see his mum and do prezzies. there was a little note hanging from the fan saying 'pull me''...so i did, and about three tones of glitter flew everywhere...it wasn't the effect dan had been hoping for. there is still glitter all over the house, because he used another three tones on everything else...its a good thing i love glitter,and it was pink.
i got some lovely prezzies,and loads of money. then dan and i went to the zoo, which was really fun. though i think the peacocks at the place have got some serious identity issues...
we went out in the evening, lots of lovely people. and my best Friend laura thought it was a good idea to add more glitter to the equation, she'd made me balloons with glitter inside them.
and some little cakes, which i put sparklers in as my birthday cake.

Photobucket

i managed to fall down the stairs,even though i want that drunk. i just had enormous shoes on.
dan however did get very drunk, and threw up a lot when we got home...by then it was past midnight so it wasn't my birthday. not that i really minded.

im feeling being 19 more than i felt being 18.

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

buzz

last night, dan and i got home about midnight. he asked me to go make the room cooler, because it has been wonderfully hot these last few days. ( i hope it keeps up for my birthday.)
get upstairs,open window one. and i look down to see the massive thing buzzing at me, obviously i screamed and ran out of the room. i didn't check to see what it was, I'm shit, anything that big that buzzes and i feel sick because I'm so scared...sting or not.
dan come up tells me its a horse fly, I'm hiding in the bath room. ''oh wait, its not a horse fly its a hornet.'' ....i swear to god i could have easily stayed in the bath room all night, and dan is allergic to the fucking things.
he does the brave thing of trying to kill it...because by this point it had moved from the window sill. we managed to break the light...i don't think its permanently broken...but it doesn't work at the moment...in the end,after much bravery from dan...and much more hiding from me, he kills it...i couldn't even hoover it up afterward, it was really big.
so we didn't get to sleep until about 3am.

point; dan is a lot braver than me.

Sunday, 31 May 2009

all my blogs are just filled with crap at the moment

My eyes are puffy, dan said you can get fat eyes from eating to much cheese...
...i don't eat that much cheese.

my mum hasn't replied to the last email i sent her, whether this is because she hasn't had time or just doesn't want to... my little sister told me shes giving me money for my birthday, she always tells me what I'm going to get.

its my other sister, kizzie's birthday today. shes now 9, I'm exactly ten years older than her.give or take 5 days.

I'm going to be 19 on Thursday, i have to get up early to go to the job center.and I'm pretty sure my dad wanted me to vote, but i don't think i will. if people vote because of morals,because they believe in what the party stand for then good for them. but Ive never been that interested in politics. so i don't think it would be right for me to just vote for someone that everyone else is, maybe ill take a stronger interest from now on. then when the next election comes up,ill be better informed. its not like i don't care, Ive just never really been given the information. i suppose that makes me a little naive.

camp was fun, i only went for three days. but it was really hot the first day, i have two little diamonds on my back from where i got sun burnt.
we walked to morton hampstead the second day; me,afra,jemima,sylvia and carly. jem made me laugh, she gave me a funny look and said, ''I'll catch you up i need to take a crap.'' and did...I'm not sure how she got away with it, its not like it was very private. but when she caught up with us, she got really sick and nearly threw up....made me think maybe something bit her bum.
lesson, don't take a crap on the side of a country road.
my sister kate, ( Friend of the family but I've always called her my sister) was pregnant. i we were all told that she would have her babies by august, she was told she was having twin girls. then on the day i was leaving, it was tipping down with rain. so i camped out in the welcome tent, romila came in and said. ''kate just had twin boys.''
so now she has to find new names for them, i cant wait to see them. they were each two pounds something. but perfectly fine. my friend sylvia was born about that, three months early. and shes one of the smartest people i know.

still no luck with the job hunt =-(

Thursday, 21 May 2009

im brilliant

Grass, is like facebook for dogs.

Dan thought that was the funniest thing I've ever said.

emailed my mum something i think might come back a little hard, oh well.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

blaaaaa

memories you don't want to see,
images all left by me,
beating hearts and streaming eyes,
what we have cant be disguised,
at least i know which were the lies,
fly away,little butterfly...

i took my snake bites out

Dan was impressed by how he could touch my face without it hurting, i just thought they were starting to look silly.
i love waking up when its raining, and your not quite awake. so your lying there,lovely and warm, and you're thinking. ''I'm nice and warm,people outside wont be, I'm so much better than them right now.'' ...that's what happened when i woke up, and the cuddles were nice as well. =-)

i get to do that next week in a tent, apart from the cuddles. waking up with the rain making lovely sounds, if that's odd i don't care. I'm actually looking forward to it. i was offered a lift up on Thursday, but even if i wanted to go that early i couldn't. i have to be at the job center on Friday morning...that wont be fun if i walk that from Dans. =-/

i still need wellies.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

not a nice blog really

last night was very hard, i cant remember the last time i felt more alone,or wanting something so much.
how are you meant to let go of something you love,even if its bad for you? if you love then surely its worth fighting for? i keep telling myself its not because otherwise i start crying again, im not being mellowdramtic, i dont have a diary,this is easier.
i drempt about crystal again last night, its really starting to do my head in. i was at her house. she gave me some m.d, it was black...=-/
she talked to me, but didnt want to be my freind.
then i went down to alex's house, and he wouldnt let me in.
doesnt take a guiniuse to figure out my dreams really, i wont talk about the worst one. shadows arent exactly nice.

i want this feeling to go away now, all these distractions arnt working. and id just like it to stop please.

its raining, if i didnt have to go out in it id like it, but i have to go see matt...and try to talk to him..which is hard and easy at the same time. because he will make me laugh, but he cant relate to what im going through.

i was going to put my tent up today aswell. fucking wanky shit cunt.

still cant pick up my guitar.

Saturday, 16 May 2009

camp

this time next week, i might very well be on my beloved field.
surrounded by people who love me,singing, and possibly getting high.
i cannot wait, to just get out of this mess. the whole mess in my head is driving me crazy. and little head games played by people don't help. childish and hypocritical. i mean it, stop. because you were the one who ended this, and for good reason. its not like Ive done anything wrong, so don't you dare make me feel like i have.

camp is one of the places i feel safe, but after Monday I'm hoping to get some help from whatever this is. be it anaemia, or the thing she mentioned about my thyroid gland. whatever, it'l fix it. then ill be able to enjoy camp to the full potential. i have a really strong feeling something good is going to happen.I'm not sure what it involves, but something better change.

ive been talking to Jemima a lot lately, shes 14 now. i met her at camp when she must have been about 9.she wants me to get her booze for camp,and i felt really odd saying no. not that i dont want her to have fun,but her mum would kill me.

my dads back is still really bad,he cant move. im really worried he wont be able to come to camp.

i cant wait to sit in the middle of the field, with my guitar. ..which ive not been able to play for a while,but i think il be able to at camp. and just let go. of so many things.

when i went to see my family in wales, they were such a massive help. they sat me down and let me talk about stuff,stuff i dont really like talking about.and it helped, i slept really fucking well.and they said that maybe it would help to write it down, and day it out loud in a safe place,then tear it up? that way id let it go...im not sure if that would work,as im not sure how to actually let go.
does it involve just thinking it, or do i have to stop myself from ever thinking about it again.
because ive tried that, putting a wall up, and not thinking about it.but as that proved the other night, it doesn't work...i just got really angry.
so how? because i dont know, i suppose it involves some kind of closure. and some clarity, having questions answered that you were afraid to ask before, so that you know exactly what happened all the way through whatever it was that you went through.
the thing is, the 4 things i need to do this for are really hard to do that with.
my mum is the hardest, how am i meant to ask her things? would it change how i felt about her? how do i actually feel about her? how the fuck am i meant to get closure on someone who ran away from me?
and dan, ive no idea how to approach that. it makes me really sad, because i really miss him.i miss his silly side the most. and when he smelled like tea. =-/
if he does have a girlfriend, then i hope he can be happy. i really do, i really want him to be happy. just don't expect me to like the idea of it.
crystal isnt impossible to approach, i think it just needs time.im not giving up on her. but im not putting my life at any sort of hold to help her. if she wants help ill gladly give it to her.id do anything, but if she doesn't even want to talk to me yet, im not going to force her....yet.=-)

i have to put my tent up in the garden tomorrow, to see if it actually works. jon said hed help me, i just hope it doesn't rain.
my tattoo has nearly stopped scabbing aswell. =-)

Friday, 15 May 2009

song.crash and burn.

tummble down im in charge,
im always going to win,
sainty will tumble to,
as love, my love,gives in,
its not a case of kiss and tell,
its a case of crush and hide,
i will spend my whole life running with someone by my side.

crash and burn.

rosey lips and happy nights,
turned so fast to city lights,
we eat the moon and stole the moment,
i stole to much,
i didnt notice,
my star shone bright by my star shone alone,
fairies cant fly that high,
i didnt reach to catch her,
though god knows i tried.

crash and burn.

fire burns and air will taunt,
the fire willkeep growing,
and even though the air wont stick,
the fire keeps on going,
i fueled it up then blew it out,
but the strength it had was able,
to concour it to concour all,
that warrior my angle.

crash and burn.

secrets keep as secrets will,
eating those who keep them,
you cant have love when secrets bur,
love wiill always find them,
be it small or be it big,
it counts so much as pain,
nothing more, nothing less,
youve got nothing to gain.

crash and burn.

am i allowed to care?

i have no idea, but i do.because i just punched the wall.

i hope your fucking happy.
i really hope your fucking happy.

because im really really fucking not.

freinds and shit

basically, i might have a bit of a rant here.because im a little pissed off.
with crystal, not directly at her...more so of the fact she WONT TALK TO ME. i mean shes been online i know she has. shes changed her my space crap three times this week. ive sent her 8! messages this week...nothing,nadda...had the most vivid dream we made up last night..woke up and felt such a heavy weight fall back on me....
and then simon, who doesn't want to hang around with me anymore...great...fine...fuck you. ive been really nice when others haven't, and you just can be bothered with me.
me and jon nearly sort of fell out, but didn't. which im thankful for,because hes been so amazingly wonderful to me.

recent events have led me to think about how much i really need to stay in exeter, how much i want to...or could i move if i wanted to? fresh start.
where though?not Glastonbury like i could have a few months back...fucked that up for good didn't i. the three people who im really close to in glastonbury...well. alex...just no, were not going to even attempt to touch that.ryon...has disappeared?? no idea where he is. and crystal...well...yeah.

the only thing that is really keeping my sain right now is the thought of camp...this time next week....eeeee!!! =)
but after camp, i'll still be fucked.
i need something,anything. to just pick me up...just a tiny bit of luck, a bar job? anything?? just so i can live for fuck sake. we don't have a cooker,washing machine or a microwave...if i had a job i would gladly pay to get them...im trying so hard,yet nothing seems to be working my way.
makes me think that maybe, just maybe. im not meant to do anything yet? maybe im waiting for something? if thats so fair enough,just let me wait whilst working?? maybe im just meant to learne how to live like this....i hate it.
my dad did his back in at the beginning of the week, so hes not been to work at all. which means less money coming in, a lot less money.

i dont know what to do, im nearly at breaking point.
and then, i have to deal with the fact that when i try to sleep, it feels like i have an invisible hand around my neck...i stopped breathing for a spilt second the other night. it freaked the fuck out of me. i had my blood test on wednesday. and i need to ring on monday to get results. im hoping so much that they can give me something to help. what im feeling isnt normal, and ive been feeling it for so long now.

there we go, i feel better. no tlike anyone reads this anyway.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

my little sister

i have three sisters, all younger than me. Kizzie who is nearly 9, Biridie who is 13, and meghan who is nearly 16.
Bridie lives in France with my mum,step dad and little brother. i don't see her very much, but we talk a lot. ive just spoken to her on msn, and she told me that she had gotton drunk on jack Daniels and cheated on her boyfriend. first time getting drunk, then she went on to tell me that shed been dared to make herself throw up....i was thinking about how much i wanted to hit the person who let her get this drunk and do that...she 13 for god sake. i wasn't getting drunk until at least 14....but it seems that my other sister meghan is growing up as well, i might have mentioned this in another blog. but the last time i met up with her, one of the first things she told me was about how she had taken something a lot stronger than weed...and gotton laid...so yeah, im feeling a bit odd. i don't see them very much, and when i do them seem to have shot up ahead of their years.
bridie is already taller than me, and slimmer...meghan has been, and always will be tiny.sorry meg haha.
and kizzie isn't exactly an innocent thing, when i took meg back to her mum. she was there, and proceeded to tell me about how ''mummy was a lesbian she was looking at that ladies bum!''

i don't even want to think about what my little brother will be like....

Saturday, 9 May 2009

hangovers

i went to a party last night, with jon, it was daves birthday. we drove to bristol,whcih was fun by itself. singing journey, car dancing, wrapping a kids drum set that jon got dave.
got there, knew three people. had two bottles of wine, played drinking games. was quite fun, untill someone said ''lets go to the club.''
i have three quid, and im pretty waisted. forget to pick up my phone, and jon dissapeared.
im not the best drunk person, so i should have just stayed where i was.
ended up at this club, no idea how. wine makes everything hazy, i should stick to kids booze.
get there, loose everyone. matt (who id met that night) found me. stayed with me, i swear to god i was so drunk i could hardly stand.
walk all around brizzle, can hardly see. on matts arm, for all i know he could have been a rapist. but my luck is always strong for some reason. got me to daves dorm, knowone in. they're all still at the club.cant ring them, no phone.silly twat.
we snuck in behind someone, waited by the lifts for someone.eventually they turn up.no idea where jon is. i wake up...12 the next day. in a right state.bruses everywhere. mouth of utter shitpit. realised id been smoking, and my head was spinning i nearly threw up.
this is the kind of thing i love doing, at least i used to.
im seriously thinking about stoping drinking for a while, at least untill i can get my health up.
the blood test im booked for on wed ispretty pointless, i know imaneamic.runs in my family,and i have 90% of the symptoms.
its scary,but at least i know what it is now. its been all ive been able to think about for a really long time.
i hoping when its under controll then il be able to do concerntrate on what i really need to.

im not sure if i want to go to college now, i have a conditional offer. but to be honest, even if i did the work well enougth. and got the student loan, and got a part time job aswell as going to college to pay for everything...aswell as finding a flat...i still dont really want to be in exeter anymore.

im sad.

Friday, 8 May 2009

needles

im up quite early, because i have to go to the doctors...again. but this time i have to actualy go to do something, rather than just go to try and explain whats wrong. im getting a blood test to check if im anemic...well booking one anyway, i doubt she can do it the same day.
i used to absolutly hate them, i would scream the hospital down before they got the needle in me. i, not so bad now, and considering i had a tattoo on my write yesterday...i dont really have the right to complain.
Photobucket

its pretty i love it, laura came with me and chatted the whole way through. the guy doing it was really sweet. called me flower, offered me some sweet because i said i was dizzy...couldnt be bothered to explain that im always dizzy, regardless of the needle being ran accross my skin.

is it bad to hope that i am anemic? i mean i wouldnt be able to change it if i were, id be able to get myself bettter...but right now i have no choice in the matter.i either am or im not. and if i am, i ca fix me. im so fed up with the way im feeling.
yesterday i nearly through up for no reaosn what so ever, one second i was fine, the next i felt so bizzare. it was horrible. i truley hate whatever is wrong with me, and if it surpressed stress...then im really not going to let my family live it down. if thats harsh shoot me. im not putting up with this anymore.

Friday, 24 April 2009

crystal

i have a Friend called crystal, she wont talk to me anymore.
this girl is the reason i am who i am today, and Ive never told her that. Shes amazing, shes strong and funny, shes kind and absolutely gorgeous.
i love her very much.
she wont talk to me because i spent to much time with a person she didn't like, and this person also had a great influence in who I've become. sounds silly to say that when I'm only 18, I'm sure there will be a lot more people to come along and change me. but i think crystal was so influential, because it happened when i was so innocent. i met her when i was 13, at a camp i still go to.she was; the reason i had my first kiss, the first girl i had a crush one, the reason i got drunk for the first time, the reason i got high for the first time, the reason i got laid for the first time, the reason i never freaked out about things. because she always knew what to say to make me feel calm again.
I've got a whole play list of songs that remind me of her, and so many smells. rose and vanilla are the worst.
shes not talking to me, I've written her a letter. I've sent her so many emails,texts, missed calls...she posted a bulletin on my space saying shes lost her phone...i gave her that phone...
the worst part of this is, that I've never fallen out with a Friend before. boys sure, but this is different.
she was my best Friend, even though i hardly saw her. we were always connected in a way that made me know whatever happened we still be OK... i shouldn't be surprised i fucked it up then i suppose.
but I'm really worried about her now, she comes across as strong. and in a lot of ways she really is.
but i know shes doing things that will change her to the point that she'll need a different kind of strength. and i would have given it to her, if shed let me. i realise now that there had been a point just before we broke up, where i could have said, right OK, this stops, were going to make things better now, ill help you. that's all she needed,
but i was high,and selfish. and just wanted to see my other Friend. in my defence i hadn't seen him properly in over a year. and like i said the part he played in my life used to be quite big, so i missed him.
i don't know what to do, i know she needs help. but i can give it to her.

Thursday, 16 April 2009

dreams

last night i dreamt that i shouted at alex, i dreamt i ran out of the building we were in, and ran up the road to fine jess also running. i caught up with her, and felt really really sad.
and we sat for a while until alex caught up with me, he said things change and i couldn't stop that.

i as lo dreamt i was in a building with elaine, it was very tall and we were stuck because so much water was rising below us.
i was trying to hard to ring dan, but the phone was engaged....

then i dreamt i was at camp, just sat in the middle of the field. i could see everyone around me, but i couldn't talk. they couldn't hear me.

but at least I'm not panicking now.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

love

Everyone has thier own opinions of love. And the reason im going to try and write this, is because im going to try and get the thoughts in my head down.
ive only ever been in love once, im still in love with him. i have been for a year and a half.
but along the way ive done many things to make it seem like i dont, it never meant that i didnt.
im not using this realisation as an exuse, but through a lot of thinking about people who have loved me i did come to some thoughts.

ive been in a relationship non stop since i was 15, and every one of these boys said they were in love with me. obviously they wernt, because if they did then the petty arguments that arose wouldnt have broken us up.petty things that i always started, i always tried to sabotash things. i never meant to. but i can see the patterns that i formed, being trapped made me want to run away, so i did. i lied about things that i thought they wouldnt like, but half the time it didnt matter. a habbit which im still trying to kick, and i know makes it hard to trust me.
and none of this seemed to really matter, i went about doing it not giving a shit. because i always thought i would get away with it....i was such a stupid niave little brat.

and i know this now, it took me a really long time to learne from my mistakes.
but i came to think this, i wanted to be loved so much that i took anything that came.i wanted to be loved because i felt such a lack of it anywhere else in my life. i knew my dad loved me, but i couldnt cuddle him, it was a little to akward.i knew my family loved me, but i wasnt getting any phisical or verbal love. i think thats why im so fucking cuddly now, making up for the ones i didnt get from my mum maybe, when i really fucking needed them.

i never took care of peoples feelings, i felt like my mum hadnt taken care of my feelings.
i always got paranoid that people didnt beleive me about the most simple of things...i wont spell out the link...is this a conincidnce, or is it actualy relevant?
id like to say it is, just to give myself a little comfort that im not fucked up, that its not totally my fault that i was such a bitch to so many. i know i have a lot of responsibility on my part, but myabe if things had gone different id have different views on love.
if i was a stronger person a lot of things would be different right now, i think im dragging myself down. i wont let myself get stuck because i know im stronger than that.
but i felt the need to write this.
and when i get low like this, i never do write it down.


things always change, and things you think were so big seem so small after time.
i know this im a cat.

Friday, 3 April 2009

the lady with the funny cardie

i went to see my counsellor the other day, and i found it very helpefull. we talk about all the reasons i might be getting so anxious, and i didnt realise how much i was stressed by things without noticing.
evidently im good at repressing stuff i dont like untill it catches up with me so bad it hurts, great. its not like i do it on purpous, she explained that some people have it as a default reflex. different people deal with their problems in different ways, and this is how i deal with mine. and its come from many years of not realising i was doing it.
i see it like this, something really bad happened when i was little. i didnt want to think about it, my didnt voice that in my head conciously. so my body went into stress over ride to deal with it. hence me getting arthritus. when the worst of that period was over i got better, and i just accepted everything that was happeneing next.
me mooving in with my nan and my dad in abbergaveny, it wasnt hard because i loved them both so much, and they really helped me through it all.
i suppose its easier for younger childeren to cope with change, but i never really accepted the fact that i wouldnt go back to living with my mum. and i should have, maybe it would have made it easier.
my life with my nan and my dad was peacfull, and very innocent.
then me and my dad moved to exeter, and again i just accepted the fact that i was doing this.
if i think about it now, i dont understand why i wasnt more upset. i didnt think about my mum at all, i didnt miss her. i was so swept up in all the rush of everything. i mean i was 12 years old, in a new city about to go to a new high school. at that age you can see the priorities. it makes me feel bad i didnt miss her more.
but then i cant helpwhat happened, and i cant help how i feel. some people think its odd that i dont feel more negitive toward her, i could never hate her. i can see her side of the story to much.
(if you havnt already grasped the fact im not going to say what happened, then this would be the time.)
but living in exeter was also really lovely, me and my dad got on really well. and i loved school, even if i did have the few normal worries. i always had freinds, and usualy untill the age of 14 my main worry was getting a new cover for my phone.
i think i should have see more counsollers, i really think i should have made myself talk about everything.because whenever i did think about any of it, id start shaking.
the first night i had a panic attack was terrible, i had a terrifying feelingin my chest. my heart went mental, and i thought i was going to stop breathing.
dad took me to a and e...they didnt really do anything. and my doctor still hasnt really gotton to the bottom of it.
she perscribed my anti depressanst, saying that if i washappy i wouldnt panic, if i dont panic i can focus on what i need to untill im strong enougth to do it alone....i dont know how much i like that. i havnt taken any yet.
but going back to what my counsoller said, she told me that i had alot of loose ends. and maybe if i wrote them all down and then tied them up one by one, id stop feeling all this panic.
in my head i can an image of a doll with all these threads freying around her, then me comming over with some cotton. sewing myself up would make me more whole.
the frist thing on my list is my mum, ive already set the ball rolling by asking my aunt to talk to her about it. its just a case of waiting to hear back from her....which is nearve racking, my mind is totally fixed on it.
i dont even know if it will help anything.

Monday, 30 March 2009

on a more serious note

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qn1qWNgtu7s&feature=related

watch this before you read on.

this lovely gentleman has done a fair few of these videos, and at first i laughed.i laughed at the one about the condoms.he said that i you don't have sex you wont get aids...fair enouth. if you wait until your married then you don't need to use a condom...and you wont get aids...regardless of weather you married or not aids isn't going to care. if the person you are sleeping with has aids, then there is a chance you are going to catch it condom or not. a slightly higher chance that you wont if you wear one i grant you.
i don't judge people who think like this, people have the right to think whatever they like. but this guy is recording his views and posting them and expecting people to take his side. i even get the feeling he wants to convert people to this easy because they have now seen his videos.
some of the comments underneath are quite cutting,people telling him hes a moron and that hes wrong.i didn't tell him he was wrong even though i believe he is. I'm quite tempted to post a comment saying i don't appreciate having his thoughts preached at me like that. though i did sit and watch it voluntarily.

i have very Strong views on religion, i went to church when i was little but not by choice. but i don't thinks thet's why I'm so against it. i just don't believe and never have done, Ive never had any reason or proof. i think that there are parts of every religion people should maybe read into more. like in Buddhism, they have the theory of karma. Buddhists don't believe in a set good,and i think if i had to choose a religion it would be this one. the festivals and the food, the stories and the rituals of every religion are worth looking into. maybe not for spiritual enlightenment, but certainly for an insight.
i would personally love to go to India and shri lanka to see how different it is. my grandparents are very christian. and they have a house in shri lanka,and when the tsunami hit they did a lot to help the people who suffered. my grandmother told me that a lot of people over their regard women lot differently. she said if i ever went with her id likely get stared at a lot, what with all the holes in my face as well.i understand why, i wouldn't tell them to fuck off like a lot of people i know would. i know that the Friends my grandparents have over there are very kind and wouldn't mean anything horribly.id love to go and compair my life to the life of an 18 year old girl over there.but at the same time i know how careful id have to be, because a lot of people can be very sensitive about things there not used to. i would never force my ideas or beliefs on someone. id only share if i was asked.
my point to all this is that i don't like it when other people think its OK to shove there beliefs in my face, there is a man in my city who has come up to me and my Friends on separate occasions. stopped us,or sat down uninvited and asked us if we believed in god.when i said no he asked me why. i said I've never had any proof, and he went on for a while about how god has a plan for everyone and that i should embrace Jesus with my heart.....i got up and said goodbye.
he came up to me the other day,obviously not realising hes asked me before. he just walked right up to me, put his hand out to stop me and said. ''child is Jesus in your heart?''... i just carried on walking not wanting to go into it again. I've had a Russian lady come up to me as well, when i was waiting for my boyfriend Dan. she came over and started talking to me, saying i had the light and that i should love god...she didn't take a hint and stayed a while talking at me. i just stood and nodded, knowing if i said anything shed stay longer. when she left i felt mentally drained.

i would like to make it a universal fact that i don't believe in god, and would like people who do to stop asking me why i don't.
thank you.

Thursday, 12 March 2009

bookies

i love reading, recently its been a real comfort to me. just being able to hide in a book for a while, dan and i differ somewhat about what makes a good book. but i think if he actually read twilight he'd enjoy it, the film does no justice to the book.
the soundtrack is brilliant though, I've listened to it so much that the songs remind me of a certain page.
the whole vampire theme is something i really love, i loved interview with a vampire. the film was a tad better made, but the book is always more satisfying. i never seem to get the images in my head straight though, i don't like to watch the film really because the characters will look different in my head afterward.
i once read a really cheesy horror book called the cheerleader, i read it cover to cover so many times i think my little sister hid it. it was one of those really easy to read books that you could just pick up and read in one sitting. i took it to school once and soon after i started getting called a goth...i find that funny because if the yd bothered to read the book, they would have realised it was trashy American filth. the main charactor was a blond cheerleader who becomes seduced by a vampire...nothing black or scary at all. but then i don't really expect my former high school classmates to have formed real opinions, about all of the millions of books they've read out of school time.
one book that really changed me was called the lovely bones, i read it when i was 15 and recently read it again.
its not an easy read, i personally find the story a bit hard to swallow for my own reasons.
but something about it, weather it being the first adult book id read. or maybe just the way it was written, made me see death really differently.
it also gave me more confidence at school, its a bit smug of me i suppose. i walked around with it so people could see i was carrying it...like i mentioned, people in my high school didn't really read much. knowing that i understood it and they didn't changed how i felt about the people i sat with, I'm not sure if that's horrible or not. but i did realise i was hanging around with the wrong people...
another favorite is the Phillip paulman trilogy, his dark materials.
i read the first one when i was 14, my dad and i were stuck at a train station for a few hours. by the time we got back to exeter id finished it.but i didn't read the next one until a year or two later...subsequently i read that and the final book without remembering much of the first.
but the third book made me cry, its the only book to have ever have done that.
i actually stroped at my dad for a few days afterward, because id been upset by the books ending.
my boyfriend at the time got his ear chewed off by how i thought the marzipan chapter made sence to me, he didn't get it but my Friend crystal did.
at camp marzipan because i ritual after that.
i really love to write, i have about 6 stories started but never really get into them much more. mostly because i always think of another plot and want to get onto that before i forget it.
i have folders full of paragraphs of dialog. i have three separate arguments written out for one chapter in my favorite story.
i never seem to have the motivation to really get any deeper into them though, i don't think I'm a very good writer to be honest. that doesn't put me off from writing...i don't think Ive shown anyone any of my work.
I'm hoping il finish one though, i think people who can write really should share it.
i get different feelings from different books, and twilight has been my favorite so far without a doubt. four is a better number than three. =-)

Sunday, 18 January 2009

sundays

I have never liked Sundays, unless I'm having a week that requires me to have a four day weekend or something like that.
When i was living with my mum we used to go to church on Sundays, it wasn't a choice. My grandad would come pick me and my little brother and sister up at ten, and we would wear dresses(apart from Isaac) and sit quietly for an hour. Hands on laps, looking like good children.
When i was still unaware of how much trouble i got in for it, i used to change the words to the hymes.
So instead of singing, ''oh lord of all that's wonderful.'' Id sing; ''oh lord of all the sausages.''
Personally as an eight year old i found this hilarious, but my Sunday school teacher didn't... And neither did my grandparents.
On one occasion my punishment was to read a verse from he bible, in front of the whole congregation. But when the day actually came i couldn't get the nerve to do it, and i was mortified when the lady who took my place announced. ''young Tallis Ainge was meant to be reading today,but at the last minute her legs turned to jelly. Lets hope the lord find her and gives her courage.''
Sunday school was just as bad, we would sit in a circle and read from the children's version of the bible, which is basically all the stories of Jesus doing good, and leaving out all the gory bits i found when i read through the thing myself.
We did get sweets though, when we got a question right. My little sister thought this was brilliant and often rubs in my face how good she was at it. I would usually point out that she would eventually get fat with all the sweets... And as i write that, i suddenly realise how many fat people there were in my church...
Christmas was fun though, i did enjoy Christmas a church. The tree was always enormous, and my winter dresses were a little nicer than the summer ones...less bows...
Sunday lunch is something I've always loved, my grandma was a miracle worker. As most grandmas are with food, but at Christmas she would truly out do herself.
The amount of food that would be left over,would keep my grandad happy until the end of December.
Him; my step dad and step grandad would always get quite fat around Christmas, and then say that it was a celebration and they were allowed. They would argue that they didn't do it very much and a little exercise would always burn off any holiday fat...personally i thought this was bull shit, as they never did burn it off. And my grandma makes just as much food for any slight celebration...as you can imagine the men of that side of my family are not on the slim side.
Sundays these days always seem to be gloomy, or really insanely sunny. But you only get the really sunny days mid summer...those are the days when you ring as many people as possibly up and shout ''PICNIC!'' at as loudly and as fats as possible.
...though saying that the amount of times I've tried the picnic thing, I've only ever succeed once or twice...and that was with my family...

Saturday, 17 January 2009

baby names

The other night, Dan and i were talking about names. Or rather i forced up the subject as he didn't seem to keen to talk about it.
I think that's names are really important to who we are, they have different meanings. and even though they can be chosen, unlike star signs. I believe that you do suite the name you are given, and the meaning of the name comes through in the personality.
This will be the slightly spiritual side coming out in me i suppose, i like my name. Its weird, but not so weird that i ever got taken the piss out of for it.
And when i have children, i want them to have original names as well. I do so when not if,because lately i have decided that i do want a couple....not for at least ten years,maybe by then the process will be less painful and ill actually have an income. (I'm a selfless person)
But i do want one of each, i i've always had a few names in mind.
Unfortunately when i run them past people, they don't seem to take the same kind of shine to them as i did.
For a girl i like the names;
-Bridie, but i cant have this because its my sisters name.
-Rhiannon,which means great queen.
-Hero, from a midsummer nights dream.
-Alex, for some reason i really like unisex names. So, Jammie or Robbie would work here too.
For boys i like;
-Oliver, only name Dan and i agreed on.
-Robyn, but Dan did point out it would get shortened to rob...which i don't really want.
-Loki, this is my favorite. ''Loki was the mischievous troublemaker in the underworld.''
...apparently guys don't sit and think about names voluntarily, both ken and Dan confirmed that.
When i asked Dan what name he liked, he said Thor....