Tuesday, 11 March 2008


panick attacks
today i went to see a lovely lady who might be able to sort out my head,she is called alison and we walked for a very long time in a little room about panic attacks and about my past.

she said a lot of really interesting stuff actualy,i didnt know that a panick attack is a natural reflex,she was telling me that it goes back to the stone age,where when we were threatened we either ran away or stayed to fight.

a panick attack (or the thing i have anyway) is basicly us evolving wierdly,i say wierdly because when i spoke to her about it she said that if we didnt have this input then we wouldnt feel all the basic emetions like anger and happiness.Which i thik is silly because taking away panick attacks isnt a bad idea.

anyway,she told me that because of the way our brains have evolved when a trigger of some kind is set off,one that causes a panick attack not just anything,but it could be anytihng. the first thing our bodies do is prepare to fight or run,which involves prducing more oxygen in the blood or sometihng,and more adreniline.its a primitive function that our bodies have adapted to so odly that when it goes wrong and we dont have anything to run or fight from we panick instead.

the funny thing is that the trigger can be anything,it could be completly subconscious or it could be something really simple.

she gave me a sheta with all the symptoms on that are caused bu anxiety,and i tickle nearly all of them off...in a wierd way im comforted by this though.im not ill im just mental...great.

even though today helped im still left with the feeling of deflation i usualy get when i think somethig good is going to happen.

the only time this hasnt happened recently is when we wnt simming,which is ironic because i thought we were going ice skating ...and i hate pools.

i geuss spontainism helps,it maks me buzz and i mss that feeling,but only when it goes really well(thak you laura)but im also i little worried about this because im not the person i used to be when it comes to being scared.different things make me jump.and make me jmp in a different way.which i dont like.

all the things that have changed in the last two years make me very sad because i like the little girl i was...and i liked smoking!...

i guess im going to have to accept the fact that im probably in for a bumpy ride with this,but i know ill get threw it,i just eed to surround myself with positive things.

so whoever you are reading this,leave a comment to make me smile ok

Sunday, 2 March 2008


endless walls,

silent claws,

creeping and working there way threw my mind,

happy face,

different place,

nothing and know one to get in the way or stop it,

but its not that bad,

though i know im sad,

just give me a chance to come clean and ill promise you,

ill never be that girl again,

cos nothing can make me feel whole like he does,

but its not in my power to make him stay...

pick a beat,

little street,

walking and walking for nothing,

can it be,

im asleep,

or maybe im just extending,

cos i know its bad,

but i know it wont last.

just give me the break that we need to get by,

and il promise that ill never waist it,

cos nothing can make me feel whole like he does,

and i stil havnt had chance to prove it.

empty smile,

for a while now,

all i want is to be with him,

if he leave,

he wont see,

and im not taking that chance

or understand