Thursday, 31 January 2008

eternal sunshine of a spotless mind



  • i need to stop thinking like this

    and when i do i shall watch this film again because its a very good film

    and aslo will always remind me of dan




    hes just put on cats and dogs and this is a film that i once liked and now seems completly pointless

    i hate it when i feel like this because i know knowone will ever understand what im on about
    i gess im only writting it down so i dont forget what its like to feel like this
    which is why i liked the film so much...even though it scared me

    i wish i could some it up in a song or something


    but right now im going to go suddle up to dan and maybe try to explain to him later...or never...but i think hed be the one id tell if i tried to explain














    gr
think normal tallis

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

=-0

old memories+new freinds+unwanted results+wanted ones+new people+new problems...in the space of half an hour
plus im a very dramatic person anyway
so imagine me sitting there on msn with three convos going on at the same time.one girl secretly hating me,one gilr trying to figure out if im being truthfull im sure,and the boy spliing his heart out about what ha happened...and youknow what im going to do right now??


im goingto listen to briteny spears,then go to the showman with dan...then sleep...and deal with it when i can find ozzie or laura

Sunday, 20 January 2008

last night

last night when i went to sleep,i filled my head with horrible thoughts that always come to me when im half asleep.things about dying at any second,and how i think im ill one second and fine the next...
when i fell asleep i had a very disturbing dream,and it was very long,because i woke up at hallf two...half an hour ago..

i drempt that i was a lawyer,and that i was living with my freinds ozzie and sammy.
aparently all the people i worked with were still very causious of me because i had tried to kill myself a while back.They were all very against this,i dont really know why.

anyway the dream goes on quite normaly,and then im comming home from work.and theres a tape on the sopha.im putting it in the machine and my hands are shaking.
and ozzie comes on screan saying that shes sorry,and that she didnt have a choice.

it cuts out,and i run to ozzies room,to find her soaked in blood with her eyes wide open.i ring for an ambulance.and then it cuts out to another meeting at work,they are all looking at me as if i was some kind of diesiese.
and then i get fired.

and in the last part of the dreamim lying on the loor of our flat in complete tears,sammy comes in tells me its ok,she understands that im hurting,and hugs me.

then i wake up crying,when i stopped i looked at my phone to discover i have a text from ozzie saying shes had a ft and fallen down some stairs.

the whole thing has freaked me out to the point of me still shaking.

Thursday, 17 January 2008

ill

try this on for size

i feel constantly winded,with a fat man sitting on me.

common opinion is that something has swollen in or on my rib cage
on top of this
having your farther not taking it seriously
wanting to cry for the pain but cant because it makes it worse

wanting to hit things and scream
but cant because i can hardly talk
and it hurts to make sudden movements


i was fine a few hours ago

i had back ache last night
but for gods sake

*has mc hammer fix in hope this will help*

Monday, 14 January 2008

.

like having my head oushed against something really hard underwater

Friday, 11 January 2008

happiness =

happiness to me,can sometimes just be a state of mind.
and sometimes it is a lifestyle.
and sometimes it is just a little thing that keeps you going threw the day because thats all you need.


for me,getting a little high out of life used to be a normal thing,i took it for graunted,i didnt realise how happy i was when i was 15. i was really a very very silly girl.

i could remenis for ages,with all the photos and memories,most of which are from big green.best week of my life,up to meeting dan.

i was always stoned,or just calm.and i had bright red hair.and no worries about breathing or silly things like that. high school had its nasty moments,but they made me who i am today.and im so grateful for that.


anyway,what i was getting at,was that i just had a old friend ring me.her name is crystal and ive known her since i was 13.
shes the reason i am the person i am today,from the first kiss from a girl,to the first spliff and vodka shot.

things have changed a lot,and we still keep in touch.
and it gave me a little high when she rang me,because it made me rememeber...which is always nice.


but then i felt really stuffy and i still feel like it now and thats hard to write down it make it worse
grrrrr




maybe its the fact im thinking about the past that make me fell hot and sruffy

which sucks ass to be honest.





ive been so happy every day since being with dan,he puts me in the state of mind that makes me feel calm and happy like at bgg.
and since ive been feeling more of my old self ive been able to apreciate some things more for the first time in ages.
its hard trying to explain this.

like lollies
and photos
and texts
and the cinema
and laughter
and hair =-)
and singing
and music
and paying my guitar

hel smile when he reads this

special boy

Thursday, 10 January 2008

change and memories

change
i find it funny how some people think,for exmple.someone you havnt seen in years, is obviously going to think and act a little different from the last time you saw then,due to the fact they would have grwon up a lot,done new things and such.

what i find amusing is that they dont seem to think that your the same person,regardles of what you go threw you are still you.
i remember talking about this to laura,that if i hadnt moved to exeter how different would i look,and how would i act.
i dont think i would have changed that much,apart from me being able to speak freanch a little better.

and maybe not having quite so many holes in my lip,i think i still would have been as stupid and anoying as i am now.

but then the thing that stoped my logic a little was the example i was just talking about.
this person doesnt want to talk to me,i know there reasoning.and its so stupid,i havnt seen them in ages.the last time i saw them they were pretty out of it.
and before hat the circumstabces were completly different again.
it anoys me that they think im not the person i am.

i dont want to be the cause of any conflict.
i just want to be freinds again.

i was looking at some really old pictures of them and i when we were very close,i do look very different.and it made me sad that maybe i am completly different...and maybe they just dont want to know me now because im not that person...
i like the person i am,i dont want to have to change to make them like me again,its not a thing i would ever do.
i wonder if they have changed to the extent that i wouldnt like them,i already know they do copious amount of drugs...so im gessing yes...that makes me very sad indeed.i hate loosing memories

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

life

i want

-to move in with dan rgardless of house,just to be with him.
-get a job so i can...
-get driving
-ro start going to all my fucking lessons and finish my courswork
-all my freinds to be happy
-to be able to sleep

Saturday, 5 January 2008

i hate

i hate Current mood: thinking
i hate thinking something,and knowing its not a big deal but still getting hot over it.

i hate knwoing im wrong,but at the same time not wanting to admit this because i feel like im right..when really all i need to do is take a deep beath and realise im being silly.

i hate jealosy,and kowing i will always be like this even though i have no reason to be.because its in my nature,dispite my beliefs on it.

i hate thinking i need to change myself because other people will thik better of me,ecpecialy when i always liked to think that if people didnt like me for who i was then there not worth bothering with.

i hate thinking i want to look more like me...when i do LOOK LIKE ME,but i want to make myself look more like i want to look.

and i hate thinking abiut the future so much it makes me miss whats infront of me




and i really hate irony,it happened at 3am

sleep and piercings

the night before last i thought long and hard and finaly came to the conclution that,yes. i was brave enouth to get my lip pierced again the following day,whicj is what i did....however after doing this there is always about a five day peiriod where it is swollen.

so adding this to the bruises i have from the other day,it looks like ive been beaten up...but it will be worth it =-)

also tody i woke up at half 3 to my phone ringing, dad asking if i was ok...? i think hes getting a bit worried...i find that funny.
but i really hate that i woke up at half three,its dark now and ive just had breakfast. i hate the dark,and dont wish to be nocturnal,but its seems to be the case at the weekends now because i always spend it with dan.

.....im hungry

Thursday, 3 January 2008

start to the year

i started my year in seans house,slightly mashed on a coupious amount of what i asume was more than just the maliboo i got dan to buy me.

did the usual and took millions of silly photos that ere not very flatering to say the least,played guitar hero until all the boys realised I KICK ASS.

then walked home at about two with dan and kirsty...i say home,it was dans.have been calling that home lately =-)

had a few breathing problems on the way home,which resulted in my not going to wales to see family.

and had the first day of college today...missed first lesson,good start tallis well done.
"i thought you said two days would be easy e.m.a?" ...shut up moo.

so anyway,after art i went to get the train home,black out and fall down half a flight of stairs....im so cool it hurts...

but im laughing about it now...will ring the doctors tomorrow...silly girl.

had a bath and am now listening to tenatious d

much better