Monday, 13 October 2008

one year

today is mine and dans one year anniversary, its the longest ive ever been with someone and im so so so so very happy that were still together.
were going to al fried tonight and i have a lovely dress,he already bought me some boots and some books i really wantyed because he is a sweetie,and hes paying for me to get my hair cut.

but all lovliness aside the main reason im so happy,is that me and dan have gone threw a lot. and im proud as well as happy to have him be my side.
and this stepping stone is proof to me that any couple can get threw anything as long as they love each other.
and i know that sounds bad,but im so full of love today i thought id share it.
so to carry on with the filth.
i urge anyone in love at the moment to just let anything go that might be bugging them about the other person,and just tell them.because not enougth people do these day.
so as a prezzie,if youve read this. you have to go and tell that person you love them,and then leave a comment letting me what happened...i bet it was good.because even if they dont say it back,or say what you wnated to hear,its always nice to know someone loves you.^^
it took me longer than i thought it would for me to learne from my mistakes and now that i have im cant beleive the person i used to be.
id do anything for dan,and id do anything to keep him.
and i hope that this time next year i cant write another one of these.

Saturday, 17 May 2008

smile its not that bad

im at simons,and the way he acts and thinks about life really makes me apreciate what i have.

i really try not to get so stressy about things,but its hard when im the person i am.

so from now on im taking a different aproach.

lets smile

Tuesday, 13 May 2008


Has really pissed me off , lately ive been thinking a lot about everything.about going to uni,about working and about moving out.
it all sems like a world away,but really its not,and because im turning 18 in a few weeks its all seeming a lot scarier.
i dont consider myself to be a weak person,im not very strong with some things. Everyone have their bad points, i could to tydier, i could try not to get so stressy so much. i could accept help when someone is offering it to me instead of being stuborn.
but the thing i really could work on i suppose is being more motivated, its not like i dont try, but i find it hard when i need to do something new.

The one thing that really anoyed me today was a blog i read, and the reply i put will probably cause an argument. But when you come home from already being anoyed at the lack of production the day gave you the last thing you want is to find someone upset,and upset beacause of something very close to home.
i dont really want to go into loads of detail,but what happened stressed me out because i can see both sides to the story and dont want to upset either because one side is a lot better with words than i am and would win even if i knew i was right,this makes me fel really stupid.

two because i REALLY hate shouting,three because its a really stupid thing to be arguing about.

when i say im bad with workds i really do mean it,because there is so much n my head right now i cant get out. partly because i dont know how to work it and also because im scared the person who reads it will get angry,which is so stupid really.

i just wish everyone could apriciate what they have and realise that it could be a lot worse.
im very gratefull for what i have in my life at the moment,and i can undestand why someone might not be because i know what hes been threw. but at the same time just because you think you smarter doesnt mean you are and it doesnt mean that your always right

Tuesday, 11 March 2008


panick attacks
today i went to see a lovely lady who might be able to sort out my head,she is called alison and we walked for a very long time in a little room about panic attacks and about my past.

she said a lot of really interesting stuff actualy,i didnt know that a panick attack is a natural reflex,she was telling me that it goes back to the stone age,where when we were threatened we either ran away or stayed to fight.

a panick attack (or the thing i have anyway) is basicly us evolving wierdly,i say wierdly because when i spoke to her about it she said that if we didnt have this input then we wouldnt feel all the basic emetions like anger and happiness.Which i thik is silly because taking away panick attacks isnt a bad idea.

anyway,she told me that because of the way our brains have evolved when a trigger of some kind is set off,one that causes a panick attack not just anything,but it could be anytihng. the first thing our bodies do is prepare to fight or run,which involves prducing more oxygen in the blood or sometihng,and more adreniline.its a primitive function that our bodies have adapted to so odly that when it goes wrong and we dont have anything to run or fight from we panick instead.

the funny thing is that the trigger can be anything,it could be completly subconscious or it could be something really simple.

she gave me a sheta with all the symptoms on that are caused bu anxiety,and i tickle nearly all of them a wierd way im comforted by this not ill im just mental...great.

even though today helped im still left with the feeling of deflation i usualy get when i think somethig good is going to happen.

the only time this hasnt happened recently is when we wnt simming,which is ironic because i thought we were going ice skating ...and i hate pools.

i geuss spontainism helps,it maks me buzz and i mss that feeling,but only when it goes really well(thak you laura)but im also i little worried about this because im not the person i used to be when it comes to being scared.different things make me jump.and make me jmp in a different way.which i dont like.

all the things that have changed in the last two years make me very sad because i like the little girl i was...and i liked smoking!...

i guess im going to have to accept the fact that im probably in for a bumpy ride with this,but i know ill get threw it,i just eed to surround myself with positive things.

so whoever you are reading this,leave a comment to make me smile ok

Sunday, 2 March 2008


endless walls,

silent claws,

creeping and working there way threw my mind,

happy face,

different place,

nothing and know one to get in the way or stop it,

but its not that bad,

though i know im sad,

just give me a chance to come clean and ill promise you,

ill never be that girl again,

cos nothing can make me feel whole like he does,

but its not in my power to make him stay...

pick a beat,

little street,

walking and walking for nothing,

can it be,

im asleep,

or maybe im just extending,

cos i know its bad,

but i know it wont last.

just give me the break that we need to get by,

and il promise that ill never waist it,

cos nothing can make me feel whole like he does,

and i stil havnt had chance to prove it.

empty smile,

for a while now,

all i want is to be with him,

if he leave,

he wont see,

and im not taking that chance

or understand

Wednesday, 20 February 2008


so Current mood: almost myself
the little bits of wool wnt from half a head of purple a few,i think a few looks best...

i watched girl interupted and got myself into my weird head space,at the moment i really want to go down the river cos the moons out and its dark...tho this would be a little difficult right now.

!.eternal unsine f a spotless mind
".girl interupted
£.donnie darko
%.pulp fiction
^.knocked up
).the fontain

i dont want people to think that im just a normal peson who thinks these films are just good because they make fact i dont really care what anyone thinks,otherwise i wouldnt be wriiting this,im writing this because i dont want to forget this feling and myspace seems to be the easiest thing to write it down in...once again i find this quite sad.
but hey,i dont give a fuck.

trying to explain this is very hard

maybe il try something else

...and half those films remind me of daisy

and now i find myself trying another source of closure...if thats the right word.i geuss it is,i mean things keep happening,and i want to do something to end just sick of having to sit down because i feel exhausted all of a sudden,or i feel weak...i tried to take multivitimins but they made me feel sick...and now this has turned into a thing of me ranting..which i didnt want.

i just want some change,i want soemting exciting to happen,maybe then ill start feeling more myself again..being with dan has made me so happy,and ive been feeling more and energetic...then itl just crumble,nothing thats hes done,i dont know why it does it.

but when i get in a head spave like this,thats when it happenes.

i need to stop watching films that make me think

Wednesday, 13 February 2008


nothing fake,
nothing hidden,
no apologies,
half of it is what people see,
the other what i want to be,
i will not change for status,
but perhaps for peace of mind,
the way i am is what i know,
there is no other kind,
so think of me what you will,
im learning not to care,
i will shove metal in my face,
and kill my ravaged hair,

im lacking motivation,
and falling down some stairs,
i need a source of income,
so people know i care,
indecieceve,complicated,completly un-aware,
passionate and easily adicted,
and loving every stare.
arm scars and silly teenage years
i want out of thisand be bigger when i apear

Monday, 11 February 2008


on saturday dan had a party and i managed to eat glass,the classy little thing that i am.imagine me,little black dress,off my face, and running around the house....its a wonder i beat troy on guitar down stairs and all of a sudden got really angry,for the life of me a cant remember why.
but the next thing i know theres glass everywhere,and im trying not to instead i went upstairs and did the whol"im crying cos im drunk thing"

i really had no reason to,sorry danny..really sorry.
vauge memories of flapjakes and angel delight.sean made me beans on toast at five in the morning...after i woke up from passing out at one...

and my sleep pattern isnt quite there yet.

but today was lovely lovely
it was sunny and dan ,et me from art with roses and bough me lunch
i well love him

Friday, 8 February 2008

song in progress

nothing fake,
nothing hidden,
no apologies,half of it is what people see,
the other what i want to be,
i will not change for status,
but perhaps for peace of mind,
the way i am is what i know,
there is no other kind,
so think of me what you will,
im learning not to care,
i will shove metal in my face,
and kill my ravaged hair,

im lacking motivation,
and falling down some stairs,
i need a source of income,
so people know i care,
indecieceve,complicated,completly un-aware,
passionate and easily adicted,
and loving every stare.
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Thursday, 31 January 2008

eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

  • i need to stop thinking like this

    and when i do i shall watch this film again because its a very good film

    and aslo will always remind me of dan

    hes just put on cats and dogs and this is a film that i once liked and now seems completly pointless

    i hate it when i feel like this because i know knowone will ever understand what im on about
    i gess im only writting it down so i dont forget what its like to feel like this
    which is why i liked the film so much...even though it scared me

    i wish i could some it up in a song or something

    but right now im going to go suddle up to dan and maybe try to explain to him later...or never...but i think hed be the one id tell if i tried to explain

think normal tallis

Wednesday, 23 January 2008


old memories+new freinds+unwanted results+wanted ones+new people+new the space of half an hour
plus im a very dramatic person anyway
so imagine me sitting there on msn with three convos going on at the same girl secretly hating me,one gilr trying to figure out if im being truthfull im sure,and the boy spliing his heart out about what ha happened...and youknow what im going to do right now??

im goingto listen to briteny spears,then go to the showman with dan...then sleep...and deal with it when i can find ozzie or laura

Sunday, 20 January 2008

last night

last night when i went to sleep,i filled my head with horrible thoughts that always come to me when im half asleep.things about dying at any second,and how i think im ill one second and fine the next...
when i fell asleep i had a very disturbing dream,and it was very long,because i woke up at hallf two...half an hour ago..

i drempt that i was a lawyer,and that i was living with my freinds ozzie and sammy.
aparently all the people i worked with were still very causious of me because i had tried to kill myself a while back.They were all very against this,i dont really know why.

anyway the dream goes on quite normaly,and then im comming home from work.and theres a tape on the putting it in the machine and my hands are shaking.
and ozzie comes on screan saying that shes sorry,and that she didnt have a choice.

it cuts out,and i run to ozzies room,to find her soaked in blood with her eyes wide open.i ring for an ambulance.and then it cuts out to another meeting at work,they are all looking at me as if i was some kind of diesiese.
and then i get fired.

and in the last part of the dreamim lying on the loor of our flat in complete tears,sammy comes in tells me its ok,she understands that im hurting,and hugs me.

then i wake up crying,when i stopped i looked at my phone to discover i have a text from ozzie saying shes had a ft and fallen down some stairs.

the whole thing has freaked me out to the point of me still shaking.

Thursday, 17 January 2008


try this on for size

i feel constantly winded,with a fat man sitting on me.

common opinion is that something has swollen in or on my rib cage
on top of this
having your farther not taking it seriously
wanting to cry for the pain but cant because it makes it worse

wanting to hit things and scream
but cant because i can hardly talk
and it hurts to make sudden movements

i was fine a few hours ago

i had back ache last night
but for gods sake

*has mc hammer fix in hope this will help*

Monday, 14 January 2008


like having my head oushed against something really hard underwater

Friday, 11 January 2008

happiness =

happiness to me,can sometimes just be a state of mind.
and sometimes it is a lifestyle.
and sometimes it is just a little thing that keeps you going threw the day because thats all you need.

for me,getting a little high out of life used to be a normal thing,i took it for graunted,i didnt realise how happy i was when i was 15. i was really a very very silly girl.

i could remenis for ages,with all the photos and memories,most of which are from big week of my life,up to meeting dan.

i was always stoned,or just calm.and i had bright red hair.and no worries about breathing or silly things like that. high school had its nasty moments,but they made me who i am today.and im so grateful for that.

anyway,what i was getting at,was that i just had a old friend ring me.her name is crystal and ive known her since i was 13.
shes the reason i am the person i am today,from the first kiss from a girl,to the first spliff and vodka shot.

things have changed a lot,and we still keep in touch.
and it gave me a little high when she rang me,because it made me rememeber...which is always nice.

but then i felt really stuffy and i still feel like it now and thats hard to write down it make it worse

maybe its the fact im thinking about the past that make me fell hot and sruffy

which sucks ass to be honest.

ive been so happy every day since being with dan,he puts me in the state of mind that makes me feel calm and happy like at bgg.
and since ive been feeling more of my old self ive been able to apreciate some things more for the first time in ages.
its hard trying to explain this.

like lollies
and photos
and texts
and the cinema
and laughter
and hair =-)
and singing
and music
and paying my guitar

hel smile when he reads this

special boy

Thursday, 10 January 2008

change and memories

i find it funny how some people think,for exmple.someone you havnt seen in years, is obviously going to think and act a little different from the last time you saw then,due to the fact they would have grwon up a lot,done new things and such.

what i find amusing is that they dont seem to think that your the same person,regardles of what you go threw you are still you.
i remember talking about this to laura,that if i hadnt moved to exeter how different would i look,and how would i act.
i dont think i would have changed that much,apart from me being able to speak freanch a little better.

and maybe not having quite so many holes in my lip,i think i still would have been as stupid and anoying as i am now.

but then the thing that stoped my logic a little was the example i was just talking about.
this person doesnt want to talk to me,i know there reasoning.and its so stupid,i havnt seen them in ages.the last time i saw them they were pretty out of it.
and before hat the circumstabces were completly different again.
it anoys me that they think im not the person i am.

i dont want to be the cause of any conflict.
i just want to be freinds again.

i was looking at some really old pictures of them and i when we were very close,i do look very different.and it made me sad that maybe i am completly different...and maybe they just dont want to know me now because im not that person...
i like the person i am,i dont want to have to change to make them like me again,its not a thing i would ever do.
i wonder if they have changed to the extent that i wouldnt like them,i already know they do copious amount of im gessing yes...that makes me very sad indeed.i hate loosing memories

Tuesday, 8 January 2008


i want

-to move in with dan rgardless of house,just to be with him.
-get a job so i can...
-get driving
-ro start going to all my fucking lessons and finish my courswork
-all my freinds to be happy
-to be able to sleep

Saturday, 5 January 2008

i hate

i hate Current mood: thinking
i hate thinking something,and knowing its not a big deal but still getting hot over it.

i hate knwoing im wrong,but at the same time not wanting to admit this because i feel like im right..when really all i need to do is take a deep beath and realise im being silly.

i hate jealosy,and kowing i will always be like this even though i have no reason to be.because its in my nature,dispite my beliefs on it.

i hate thinking i need to change myself because other people will thik better of me,ecpecialy when i always liked to think that if people didnt like me for who i was then there not worth bothering with.

i hate thinking i want to look more like me...when i do LOOK LIKE ME,but i want to make myself look more like i want to look.

and i hate thinking abiut the future so much it makes me miss whats infront of me

and i really hate irony,it happened at 3am

sleep and piercings

the night before last i thought long and hard and finaly came to the conclution that,yes. i was brave enouth to get my lip pierced again the following day,whicj is what i did....however after doing this there is always about a five day peiriod where it is swollen.

so adding this to the bruises i have from the other day,it looks like ive been beaten up...but it will be worth it =-)

also tody i woke up at half 3 to my phone ringing, dad asking if i was ok...? i think hes getting a bit worried...i find that funny.
but i really hate that i woke up at half three,its dark now and ive just had breakfast. i hate the dark,and dont wish to be nocturnal,but its seems to be the case at the weekends now because i always spend it with dan. hungry

Thursday, 3 January 2008

start to the year

i started my year in seans house,slightly mashed on a coupious amount of what i asume was more than just the maliboo i got dan to buy me.

did the usual and took millions of silly photos that ere not very flatering to say the least,played guitar hero until all the boys realised I KICK ASS.

then walked home at about two with dan and kirsty...i say home,it was dans.have been calling that home lately =-)

had a few breathing problems on the way home,which resulted in my not going to wales to see family.

and had the first day of college today...missed first lesson,good start tallis well done.
"i thought you said two days would be easy e.m.a?" ...shut up moo.

so anyway,after art i went to get the train home,black out and fall down half a flight of so cool it hurts...

but im laughing about it now...will ring the doctors tomorrow...silly girl.

had a bath and am now listening to tenatious d

much better